What Are We Dating For?

A couple of days ago, I had a little chat with the lovely Farhana, host of the Relatable Content podcast, about dating post lockdown. As we slowly move out of lockdown, and into social contact, we are stepping into a world of potential, with, perhaps, a new, deeper understanding of ourselves, and perspective of what it is that we want.

For many, myself included, the first month of being in social isolation held a lot of space. For the first time in a long time, I was able to dive deep, without distractions. With all potential of connecting with others being stripped away, all the focus was on myself. It created a space for me to gain clarity on what it is that I want from connections with others.

The more I thought about what I wanted, the more I realised how little certainty I had around this. Since my early teens, I’ve moved through a broad spectrum of dating experiences. I’ve had two long term relationships, some shorter romances, casual dating, and the odd stint of celibacy. Reflecting on these experiences has taught me about myself, and the way I want to engage with partners, and have given me clarity about what I do not want.

Dating Post Lockdown.

A couple of weeks into lockdown, my roomie and I took the plunge and downloaded Tinder because … why not? A couple of weeks into our swiping journey, I did the scary thing and actually committed to going on a real date, which turned into four dates, in three days, with four men. I figured I may as well get them all out the way, and see if there was any potential. We have just come out of pandemic after all, so I figured if there is ever a time to binge date, it is now. Although nothing more than some good chats came out of these meetings, I did have some very interesting conversations, and the dive into the dating world got me thinking… what are we dating for?

I reflected on a conversation that I had on one of the dates. We spoke a lot about dating, and how having many different dating experiences (especially the bad ones) can actually give you deeper understanding on what it is you are wanting from a relationship. It allows you to to go crossing things off the list, and maybe adding things you do and don’t want in your relationships. How can we truly know what we want, or rule out something as an option, if we have never even given it a chance? 

So I started asking myself: what do I ACTUALLY want?  Am I dating for fun, or for love? Am I calling in my life partner? What would that even look like? The more I asked, the more I realised that with the space and time I am in right now, being in a long-term committed relationship is not as feasible and appealing in practice, as it seemed in theory. At the end of day I know now, that I do not truly know what I want (I mean, who does). The only thing I know for certain is that experiences will create a space for me to find out. Taking the time to reflect has allowed me to realise that for me, right now, dating and staying open to experiences is what will help me to get closer to understanding what it may look like.

It is easy to become jaded in a dating world riddled with ghosting and red flags, but in the end, we are constantly learning and expanding our experiences. Try to view of all your experiences, no matter how fleeting or casual, as a opportunity to practice. As a space where you can cultivate a deeper capacity to communicate, without the pressures of a relationship. 

Image by Josef Koudelka

Whatever it is that you are dating for, a couple of things to keep in mind are: 

-  Get clear on your intention. What are you hoping to get out of this? A one night stand? A friend to fuck? A summer fling? A life long partnership? Knowing what it is that you want will make communicating that much easier, and will allow for you to moderate your expectations. Taking the stance of dating for fun and for growth, has allowed me to see it in a whole new light, and with a whole lot less expectations. 

- Set high standards. Your standards are as they are because you know your self worth, and you demand richness and abundance in life. If you find yourself making excuses for someone or their behaviour, that’s a red flag. If you find yourself trying to “fix” someone, that’s another red flag. Never sell yourself short on what you truly deserve. Never compromise on your standards.

- Be authentic. Step out of a space of wanting to impress the other, and be totally, completely yourself. When we get ready for those first few dates, there’s a part of us that’s looking to impress the other person. Instead of trying to impress, simply express. By expressing the truth of who you are, you reveal your authentic self. If this honest expression finds resonance in the other, you will know it unmistakably by the feeling of your connection. You the know feeling. Wait for the feeling. It is worth it. 

- Confidence comes from knowing what you have to offer, and knowing what you want. Make sure to communicate in the early stages. Have the scary conversation. Lay down the foundation. What are you both here for? What can you bring to this space? When emotions get involved, we can quickly lose sight of our intention, and ignore red flags, because the space we are in just feels so goooood, so make sure you create a container of open communication before things get heated.

- Connection is effortless. Although this may be hard to believe, there is a seed of truth in it. A lot of us have been conditioned to believe that for something to be worth it, it must be a struggle. We do this to justify situations that actually are not serving us, or are not aligned with our intentions. With the right person, your connection will be effortless. Think of all the amazing people that have come into your life: Your best friends, your mentors, the people you love and admire most. Was there ever a struggle to make it click with them? Probably not. The good that’s meant to come into your life ― just like all previous blessings in your life ― will flow with ease and fluidity.

- You can’t fuck it up. Most of us will overthink everything. We type and retype our texts. We lose all capacity to speak like a normal person in casual conversation. We tell the worst jokes. With the right person we can’t mess up the connection in trivial ways. Our strengths are a source of admiration to them; and our weaknesses are endearing. When we’re free to be who we are ― strengths, flaws, and all― we are authentically, vulnerably, ourselves. A space where we can grow and share and move with ease. Now, if you were authentic, and still managed to fuck it up with your awkward ways, then please pat yourself on the back, because you just dodged the bullet of incompatibility!

- The relationship you should be putting the most energy in is the one you have with yourself. No one completes you. You complete yourself. Stop expecting someone else to bring you happiness. It really is an inside job, and until you come to yourself, you will always be searching for something, sans success. You are setting up all your potential partners for failure, and handing your power away.  You are a full and complete being. When you acknowledge your own completeness, and accept responsibility for your own happiness, you engage relationships from a higher perspective. No longer do you look to fill a void within yourself, but rather, look for ways to offer your completeness of love and presence to another. The coming together of two complete and healthy beings lends itself towards a powerful union that uplifts not only the pair, but all those around them.

- Your vulnerability is a strength. Get comfortable with feeling, acting, expressing from your heart. It will create space for deeper connection, and more openness and understanding. 

- There’s no such thing as rejection, it just wasn’t the right fit for you. Celebrate your courage, and vulnerability, and take with you the growth you experienced in this space. Trust that your courage and openness is leading you to exactly where you need to go. 

- Go all in, baby. It can sometimes feel like you’re putting everything on the line, with both happiness and heartbreak laid out as equal possibilities. Although, it is easy to move into fear after being hurt or disappointed, do the hard thing, and stay open. Keep diving in, because that is where you will grow. I can honestly say that the more I have my heart broken, the more open I become. Because I know how much growth and magic is waiting in these spaces of vulnerability and connection. We’ve been put on this Earth to love, so start loving, even if you get a little burned in the process. 

Be bold and brave in these times sweet loves. Take it all with a pinch of salt, and see the fun and lightness in it. The less expectations you have, the more space there is for you to be surprised. If you are currently immersed in the world of online dating, I highly recommend reviewing these tips for online dating safety.

I’m all about open conversations, so I would love to hear your thoughts on dating. Please email me if you have any thoughts you’d like to share. My beautiful friend Cassandra Seidel wrote some thoughts of flings and dating, and featured on my blog sharing her thoughts about communication in intimacy, so head to her blog to read a little more.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with a friend, a lover, or whoever you think will resonate with it.

Happy dating sweet ones.

All love

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