Conscious Relating.

I took a little break from writing these past weeks, as I needed some time to integrate and reflect on everything that has been moving for me. During this time, I had the space to reflect on some past relationships I had, and what it is that I am calling in right now - see What Are We Dating For? I started the Heal Your Relationships course with Rising Woman, and spent some time diving deep into my relationship patterns, and conscious relating.

These days there is a lot of talk about conscious relationships. I’ve found that although the term conscious relationship is thrown around frequently, there is a large number of us (myself included), that have felt a little confused at some point or another as to what this actually means. So I thought I’d share a little about what I’ve learnt conscious relationships to be, and how to create a space for growth and healing within your relationship.

What is a Conscious Relationship about?

- Relationship to Self

- Relationship to Spirit / Source / Higher Self

- Relationship to our Personal Power

- Relationship to Responsibility (for how we feel, for asking for what we want)

For me personally, the biggest part of conscious relating has been building a relationship with myself. Knowing and understanding myself. Diving deep in my own subconscious patterning. This has formed the basis of the Sacred Union online journey, a space created for you to cultivate a deeper self understanding, strengthening your relationship with yourself, and increasing your capacity to be intimate with others.

Over the years, I repeatedly found myself in the same relationship, with different people. Each time I would come into a relationship with someone new, the same patterns started unfolding. It took me a few runs, and a whole lot of self work, to finally accept responsibility for my own stuff. For the baggage, the patterning, the subconscious behaviours, I was bringing into our relationship. What I did not realise, was that every time I was coming into a relationship, and these patterns started playing out, it was a chance for growth. A chance to self reflect, and to understand that this is something that needs to be accepted, addressed, and healed. Once I started understanding this, I was able to take responsibility.

Conscious Relating is grounded in responsibility.

Responsibility is not about blame. No one is at fault. Nothing is wrong. It is about approaching problems or triggers with self-acceptance, forgiveness, and an openness to discuss and share experiences. It is important to see that you are not a victim. You need to take responsibility for your patterns. You need to see what is happening inside of yourself. Become aware of the beliefs, anxieties, stories that are playing up inside of yourself. It is about understanding some of the core wounding that may be triggered inside of you. For me this was one of the most empowering moments of my life. Of finally being able to own how I was acting up, how I was self sabotaging.

Most of us will have core wounds that formed during childhood, and most of the time, these are universal. We all have them in some form or another. The way they play out is often very different, but at the core, they have the same root. These deep subconscious programs may have us feeling unlovable, unworthy, not enough, too much. Once we step back into our power, and understand that these feelings are stemming from the subconscious, we can start to get to know them a little better. We can cultivate this deeper relationship to self, which will form the foundation of our relationship with another person.

Creating a conscious relationship with a partner comes from building a stronger, more conscious relationship with yourself first. Change happens through awareness and acceptance. Give the parts of yourself you do not like space and love. Get to know yourself on an even deeper level. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient. This process of uncovering will take time (probably your whole life), but if you commit to showing up for yourself, and your partner, in this way, you can embark on this journey of healing together.

Conscious vs. Battery Relationships.

"Battery" Relationship.

- Using each other for energy

- Expecting the other person to "complete" you

- Falling into co-dependent pattern

- Always feeling like there is something missing

- Expecting the other person to give you something or make you feel a certain way

"Conscious" Relationship.

- Rather than focusing on what you are getting out of the relationship, you are creating something that will nourish you back

- Creating something much bigger than just your union, through harnessing the creative space that comes out of your connection

- Using the relationship to move towards personal growth and your Higher Purpose - seeing the relationship as a vessel to move through past experiences and patterns, and grow internally

- Seeing the other as your partner in healing

- Making distinctions of your boundaries - See the Beauty of Boundaries

- Being clear on the fact that you cannot change or fix another persons behaviour - you can only change the steps of the dance - change the way you relate and act in those situations and you will see patterns changing!

The Importance of A Safe Container.

Communication is one of the key pillars of conscious relating, alongside trust and vulnerability. As human beings, we all have desires, fears and boundaries. We will have these in our relationship with ourselves, as well as our relationships with others.

When we are relating with other people, especially partners, it is essential that we feel safe communicating our desires, fears and boundaries.

Every relationship has it highs and lows. We will feel triggered, as relationships are there to challenge us. They are catalysts for growth. Therefore it is essential to create a container in which we feel safe to express our feelings and experiences. A container in which we feel heard, held, and appreciated.

In order for us to be in a conscious relationship, we need be clear on our desires, fears and boundaries. If we are not clear on them, we cannot communicate them, and this will result in miscommunication and disappointment as we feel unseen and misunderstood by our partners. We forget that our partners are not mind readers, and by expecting them to know what we want and need, we are giving away our power and responsibility.

So get clear on what it is that you want and need in a relationship. Start looking at what your fears are. Are you afraid of being abandoned? Of losing your control, or independence? What core wounding could this be stemming from? Once you're clear, EXPRESS what is coming up for you with your partner. Practice self acceptance. Meet those parts of yourself with love and tenderness. Through being vulnerable with the other, you are creating so much space for deeper connection.

Spaces for Expression.

Staying in your authenticity, becoming clear on what you want, and being able to communicate this will be fundamental in creating a safe container. One of my favourite tools to create a space for vulnerability and accountability, are Relationship Meetings.

Relationship Meetings are a space in which you can communicate safely, and with an open heart. The goals of Relationship Meetings is to increase awareness, bring greater peace and harmony into your lives, and develop deeper communication.

There is no right or wrong way to do this. The most important thing is that you both feel safe and heard. Note that you can use these meetings in all relationships you have, not just romantic ones.

These meetings are not a space to arrive, and spend twenty minutes complaining and blaming the other person. Remember you are not the victim. Instead of making it about their actions, express how their actions made you feel. What was triggered in you? Ask yourself, what is this REALLY about? How could your partner support you in the process of healing this wounding? Hold each other accountable.

The Foundations of a Relationship Meeting.

Set aside 30 minutes, or more if you can, once per week / month - this is personal preference, so just see what work for you. Make it a priority. Put it in your calendar and honour this commitment to yourself and your partner. Sit together, and bring to the space anything that has been moving in your relationship. Anything that has triggered you, upset you. Hold space for your partner to express, without interrupting or getting defensive. Just sit and listen. And then switch roles. You express, and they hold space.

Some little reminders.

- Come with an open heart

- View criticism as a chance for growth

- See that feeling triggered may be a doorway to uncovering something about your patterning or core wounding

- Notice when the ego starts to get defensive, and take ownership of that - there is often a seed of truth in something we are feeling defensive over

- Respect your partner

- Be vulnerable

- Take responsibility for your feelings and actions

- Stay in your power and act from a place of authenticity

- Honour your boundaries

Also note, that if neither of you have felt triggered in the past week / month, these meetings are a beautiful space to celebrate your partner and your relationship. How have they shown up in your relationship that has made you feel good? How have they inspired you? How have they grown? We often get to so stuck in daily routine, that we forget to express gratitude, so use this as a chance to express how grateful you are to have them on this journey.

Committing to conscious relating is committing to a lifelong journey of growth. A chance for you to view your partner(s) as mirrors. That they will push you to confront the parts of yourself that you have been trying to hide from, and that if you are both committed to conscious relating, they will be there to support you as you move through this. Above all else, they are your partner in healing, and that is a beautiful thing.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, or experiences with conscious relating, so if you have anything you'd like to share, please reach out on email. If you’d like to dive deeper into this, sign up to the Sacred Union online journey, in which we explore conscious relating, intimacy, sexuality and much more.

All love

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