Mindful Self Pleasure.
Our relationship with self pleasure.
Our relationship with self pleasuring sets an imprint for how we see our body. It can determine what parts are treated as sexual or pleasurable, what feels arousing and safe, and what is left ignored. The entire body is sexual anatomy, yet most people (due to sex and body shame, gender roles, toxic masculinity, respectability politics, and sexism) reduce the sexual body down to solely the genitals.
What is mindful self pleasure?
I like to think of mindful self pleasure as a form of sacred masturbation. Many of us self pleasure coming from a place of habit and expectation. We know exactly what to do to make ourselves come, as quickly as possible. We go into masturbation with the sole intention of having an orgasm, and once that has happened, we are done.
Mindful self pleasure turns the entire process into a sacred ritual. A space into which we come with curiosity and presence, instead of expectations. “It is less about performance and more about pleasure, deep connection, solo intimate pleasure,” Dr. Brito, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist with the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health, explains. “It is is not just to get the job done and get off, but about slowing down and getting to know yourself more erotically. It is about having a pleasure-based mindset, full of curiosity and self-discovery.” It allows you to explore what does and does not work for you without the added pressure of trying something new with your partner.
How can it improve our relationship to ourselves.
Being fully present with the sensations, emotions, and thoughts that arise during self pleasure can be very beneficial. It cultivates more awareness of what is happening during arousal, and creates more acceptance for our bodies and our sexuality. As a practice, mindful self pleasure combines mindfulness with embodiment. Mindful masturbation helps the practitioner feel the body more, often leading to more mental clarity and feeling more grounded. It helps cultivate self-love, allowing us to feel more confident. Regular self pleasure has also been found to reduce stress, boost your self esteem, and improve your overall sex life. In my own experience, having a daily self pleasure practice has allowed me to feel more connected to my body, my emotions, my sexuality and my creativity.
Art by Casey Lee (Instagram - @casey.leee)
Self pleasure as a ritual.
Often people think that mindful self pleasure is a lot more complicated than it actually is. All you really need is yourself, a cozy space, and a little curiosity. Below are some tips that helped me connect to this practice and my body.
Create an environment that is comfortable and relaxing.
Set yourself up for relaxation and be sure to give yourself enough time to explore. Setting a timer may be helpful to ensure you do not loose track of time, or spend the whole time worrying you will be late for whatever you’re planning on doing after. This may be five minutes. Ideally, your practice might be somewhere between 20 and 45 minutes, but start with five if that’s all you’ve got. I love lighting candles, burning some incense and putting on music. Engage as many of your senses as possible and really allow yourself to focus on you.
2. Set an intention each time you practice.
The combination of placement of attention and the focus of an intention are fundamental pieces for creating mindfulness practice. Example intentions might be “I am fully present to sensations in my body;” “I welcome all parts of myself, including my sexual, generative energy;” “My practice is about noticing my sensations, feelings and thoughts, while remaining goalless.”
3. Begin exploring your body and your preferences.
Remember to breathe and focus on the overall sensations. Breathing is one of the most powerful tools we have to circulate sexual energy and hone in on being present in our body. Whether or not you start with a fantasy or some kind of sexual imagery is completely up to you. What is important is finding things that you enjoy without any sort of judgment or self-censorship involved. Eliminate pressure or expectations for what you “should” be doing and focus on learning about what you enjoy with regards to sex and pleasure. Explore all your erogenous zones and how they respond to different types of touch.
4. Move slowly.
It can be tempting to rush to your destination. Slow down. If you have time, start by massaging your whole body, before moving into genital stimulation. Experiment with different types of touch. Be curios. Tantra is about enjoying the journey and understanding more about yourself.
5. Don’t stress about it.
Sometimes it can take some time to really get into it. Tantra is about learning what makes you happy and discovering how to love yourself. View it as a practice of simply being present with yourself and your body. Even if it means you are just holding yourself, and massaging yourself for an hour, without any genital stimulation, that in itself is a beautiful self pleasure practice. Throw out the end goal of orgasming. Withholding orgasm is a powerful way of circulating and keeping the sexual energy we have built up moving in the body. If you do want to orgasm, that’s okay too. There is no right or wrong way of going about it.
6. Commit to practicing over a period of time to reap greater benefit.
Like any mindfulness practice or meditation, the benefits are cumulative and have a greater impact the longer you practice. You can start small with three 20 minute practices a week for two weeks and build your commitment from there, until eventually it becomes a daily self care ritual.
7. Mix up your practice each time so that it does not become habitual or mundane.
Part of what keeps our interest and awareness is variety and paying attention to that variety. When we form habits, we start to know what to expect, making it easier for us to go on auto-pilot and check out. Use your breath, sound, touch and movement to create a different practice each time. Sometimes you may be laying down, others standing, and others dancing or all of the above. Sometimes breathe fast; others slow and deep. Experiment with sound—moans, grunts, screams, “dirty” talk, or affirmations.
If you always touch yourself the same way, try new types of touch in new places on your body. If you always masturbate using a sex toy or vibrator, try some practices without those or vice versa. Dress in sexy clothes and have fun taking them off like you might with a lover. Engage your curiosity to help your practice remain mindful and fun!
8. Savor your practice.
A key aspect of this practice is savoring. Take time to feel your body after the practice; to deeply feel the sensations you’ve created—pleasure, relaxation, arousal, etc. Use the last five to ten minutes of your practice (or one minute if you’re doing a five minute practice) to lay, sit or stand in stillness and just breath deep and savor what you’ve created in your body (similar to savasana in a yoga class). When you're done — whether that's after you've had an orgasm or whenever you decide — take time to reflect on what you learned about your body.
Mindful self pleasure has been one of the most powerful rituals in my own healing journey, and has completely changed my perception of my body. It has allowed me to reconnect back to myself on physical and emotional levels. It has changed the way I view sex with partners, and has opened a world of exploration.
In the Sacred Union online journey, we dive a little deeper into self pleasure and how to harness the tools of energy, breath, sound and movement when circulating sexual energy with ourselves or a partner. Click here to find out more. Happy self pleasuring angel beings.
All love
x
