Communication in Intimacy.
by Cassandra Seidel
When do we let ourselves feel vulnerable? Expressing how you truly feel about a situation, without overthinking or preempting what you are going to say. Opening your heart to your lover, without being trapped by fear, regret and shame. Saying how you feel in that moment and letting go of all the judgment we hold within us.
When we enter a sacred space with someone else, we are being stripped down to our most natural form. Opening up to another person and welcoming them; slowly finding comfort and pleasure within one another.
Art by Gil Rigoulet
What porn does not show us and sex education doesn’t open up, is how to communicate and create a safe environment with your sexual partner. How would we be able to feel out each other’s bodies without being able to communicate what feels good and what you deeply desire? In order to find comfort in the intimacy, there must be vulnerability and communication.
Many of us approach sex with a methodical approach. Assumptions are made that you know exactly how to pleasure a partner, and all forms of communication are avoided with fear of the experience being ‘awkward’ or actually not really knowing how to pleasure your partner. But the reality is we all have sexual organs which come in different shapes and sizes, with unique pleasure points. So, how can we expect the same recipe to work for everyone? We need to drop this notion of being ‘good’ at sex. There is no such thing. Communication is the essence and foundation for connected sexual experiences. We need to start dropping all shame and learning how to communicate from a loving space.
For example; your partner could be fingering you and finding it difficult to find your clitoris. Or maybe you desire more pressure on your penis, so instead of pushing on your partner’s head, stop and communicate. The easiest way to do this is by complimenting what you do like. “It feels really good when you touch me there.. but could you go a little down “or “I’d love more pressure with your hand.” Yes, it might be awkward saying it in the beginning, but once you open the space you will start to understand your partner’s body more as well as their vulnerabilities, desires and pleasure points. Let go of all shame you hold within you. Try your best not to overthink opening up communication. Meet your partner with an open heart and create a sacred space which is free of judgment.
Communication Tips.
Listen to your intuition
Choosing a sexual partner wisely is key to having loving communication during sex. Let your intuition guide you when letting someone share your body with you. Try and attract someone whose energy makes you feel light and welcome in their presence. You may be under the influence of drugs and alcohol when going into a one night stand, so your judgment may be clouded. Go with what you feel in the moment, but make sure you are having protected sex and doing so in a safe environment.
2. Create a safe space
Open your safe space by communicating. Check on your partner and state what you are comfortable with. “I don’t feel like engaging in oral sex tonight” or maybe “I would prefer to use a condom even though I am on birth control”.
3. Embrace your vulnerabilities
When you are stepping into your sexual power and really asking for what you want, you will feel vulnerable. This feeling may make you feel awkward or shy going into sex with someone who you have never communicated with. Stop and think about what you want to say. Take a breathe and find the time while you are kissing, lying in bed together or drinking coffee in bed when you feel the most comfortable to open the conversation.
4. Long-lasting sex
Slow down. Everything in our lives is rushed. We watch the days and weeks fly by. Having sex may be the only time in your day where you can deeply connect with someone else. So make your love making last the whole Sunday morning. Take time to understand and feel out your partner’s body; communicate and switch off your phone.
5. Put yourself first
Go into sex from a place of empowerment. Don’t go into it trying to please someone else or hoping for a certain outcome. Questions I always ask myself when I am about to be intimate with someone are: How will I feel waking up to this person tomorrow? Am I feeling sexually empowered and ready to share my body with someone else?
6. Make love to yourself
Probably one of the most important things you can do is to learn how to connect to your body and pleasure yourself. Touch yourself and build the desire you feel before opening up to someone else. If you’d like to read more on self pleasure, head to the Mindful Self Pleasure blog post by Tatjana.
Send me an email if you’d like to chat, on cassandraseidel@icloud.com.
For more work: https://cassandraseidel.com
Instagram: cassandraseidel_
All love
x
