Are You Settling In Your Relationships?

Reflecting on love.

I sat on my couch yesterday evening reflecting on love, journaling about my own patterns in romantic relationships, and how they have, and are, affecting my life.

There are many kinds of love we encounter in our lifetimes. Each relationship we step into will open our eyes to a new way of loving. Each partner we have will bring out new parts of ourselves that we may not have known were there. Each heartbreak teaches us lessons that allow us to gain insight and clarity on what kind of love we want to call into our lives. Many of us tend to fall into patterns of love, that are not going to allow us to fully live our potential.

We often attract relationships that mirror the relationships we had with our caregivers in our childhood.

Many of us are drawn to relationship dynamics where we feel unsafe. We are drawn to a form of love that is volatile, that carries extreme highs and devastating lows. Where we are not truly seen by our partner. Where we are constantly on edge because they may leave / withdraw their love at any moment. Where our partners are with us, but they are not fully choosing us.

Many of us will feel drawn to these dynamics because they may mirror the love we received as a child. Many of us have been conditioned to associate love with anxiety, as opposed to safety.

When we release toxic patterns, our relationships become a container for growth and evolution.

When we begin to unravel these beliefs and subconscious programs we have around love, we can begin to open ourselves to a new way of loving. We open ourselves to partners who are safe, who choose us, over and over again. Someone who can match us in our capacity to love. That can mirror the love we give out back to us.

When we allow ourselves to step into a love like this, we are able to grow and evolve and explore. Where the person we are with inspires us to be the best version of ourselves each day.

When there is safety and stability in a relationship we are able to take all of the energy we used to put into feeling anxious / worried / unfulfilled, back into ourselves. Into our growth. Our relationship becomes a container for evolution. The person we are in relationship with becomes our partner in healing. And as you grow and evolve together, supporting each other on that path, you will step more into alignment each day. And with alignment comes magnetism. When you choose yourself, and are in your worth, your ability to manifest becomes more powerful each day.

Take a moment to reflect.

- What kind of love are you calling in?

- Do you feel like your relationship is a safe space for growth?

- Does your partner inspire you to be the best version of yourself?

- Do you feel seen, and chosen by them? Or are you settling?

- Write out a list of your ideal partner. Go into detail. How do they meet you emotionally? What is your connection like? How do you feel when you are with them? What kind of life do you create together? The more detailed the better. This is a chance for you to really drop into your deepest desires.

Note: With each item on your list, ask yourself “Is this a core want/need? Or is it coming from my ego?”

An example - I want a partner who drives a Ferrari. Would this be a core need for you to be happy in the relationship? If not, what is the underlying desire here? It is most likely a partner who is financially stable. Notice the subtle ways our ego jumps in here. Be discerning.

When we settle, and stay in toxic relationships, we will be out of alignment with ourselves. We are signalling that we have not fully stepped into our self worth. So we will keep being presented with tests until we start respecting ourselves, and stepping into our self worth. Setting the boundaries that need setting. Cutting ties that need cutting. And doing this with love. When we act from truth, from our hearts, we are able to do these things with love.

Journaling Practice.

I invite you to take a moment to journal a timeline of every significant dating or hook-up experience you've had since high school.

Under each name, begin to reflect on the following questions.

- Where were you shrinking, being small, hiding parts of yourself? Why?

- Where are you not standing in your worth and boundaries?

- Do these negative or unwanted traits in each partner resemble traits held by one of your caretakers from your childhood?

- What did you need most from that caretaker?

Begin to look over all these past suitors, and reflect on whether there is a common thread - a pattern. What is it?

As we cultivate awareness, and begin to transform, we will be presented with tests.

Begin to notice, that as we cultivate awareness of these patterns we will be presented with tests. These tests come your way to prove to the Universe that you've learned from past low self-worth lessons you've had in dating and relationships, and that you aren't willing to settle again. By recognizing, and passing tests, you are signalling to the Universe that you are ready to uplevel. That you have learnt your lesson, and are no longer going to settle. And if you do settle again even though you know better, it's okay; you'll simply receive more tests. Tests will be coming through to see if you've learned from all of the places you once settled or sold yourself short to see if you will settle for the same dynamics again.

The Energetics of Tests

The lower your self-worth, the more tests you will receive.
Once you pass some tests, they will become harder to differentiate. They will become more subtle and difficult to recognize. You need to cultivate a capacity to be discerning and keep checking in with yourself. You will eventually come to a point where it is very hard to tell if this is a test, or the partner you have been calling in. Be mindful of any red flags that pop up or intuitive pings you may be getting.
Use the list that you created above for your ideal partner as a reference point to determine whether you're being offered something less than what you asked for. If you sense red flags or notice any negative behaviour patterns that seem familiar and remind you of past low self-worth situations, it is a test. A signal that it is time to say "no" or "goodbye" to whatever is being offered, no matter how great it appears.
Notice the tests appear in all areas of your life, not just dating. You will encounter tests in your career. In your friendships. Tests apply to all areas of life. Everything is connected. This is a chance for you to uplevel and free yourself from past conditioning.

A note of the subconscious mind, and the power it has over the way we perceive reality.

When we are working in the realm of the subconscious, and unravelling deep rooted patterns, it can be very helpful to have some support. We can often be unaware of our patterns, and it can be extremely helpful to have someone who is able to be objective and call us out on things we may not be aware of. Equally, we may be faced with behavioural patterns that are deeply programmed into our subconscious. Hypnotherapy has been the most profound tool in my own healing journey, when it comes to reprogramming the subconscious. Our belief systems create our reality. We view the world through the lens of that belief system. Hypnotherapy is a powerful modality that allows us to create new belief systems, and hence change our reality. If you are feeling curious, click here to find out more about hypnotherapy, what is can be used for, and how it works.

Allow this to be your reminder that things can be different. If you’ve made it this far in this blog, you are already on the right path to changing your reality and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If you have any questions, or anything you would like to share, please reach out via email ! I would love to connect with you. If you are feeling a desire to explore hypnotherapy as a tool for deep transformation and healing, pop me an email and we can chat more about this!

All love

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